soppin' it up...

As I navigate my way back into some semblance of "normalcy" (whatever that means)...I am finding that my perspective on life has changed in every way! My morning coffee tastes a lil bit more satisfying; as well, a summer strawberry can seriously change my mood as I savor the tartness, the sweetness and the texture. I guess what I am getting at is that I simply pay attention more intently that ever before. An early afternoon spent swinging on the swings with my daughter is more life-giving than it seemed to be last year, at this time. Before the big "C"...I may have been thinking way ahead as I would swing, like, "What will we do tomorrow?"..."I wish I could lose 10 more lbs"...BlAh bLaH blaHHH!!! I also believe I spent more time, in my mind, composing how to fix the lives of everyone else, instead of just "being". My mind would take me anywhere and everywhere except for where it should be focused...the PRESENT MOMENT! The picture below was taken as I was swinging with my daughter one day last week. This is what I could see as I would lean my head back and feel the wind on my face and the butterflies in my belly! Gotta love iPhoneography :) This is one of many ol' hardwoods in our neighborhood park that provide a beautifully lush canopy. The ginormous trunks are perfect for a challenging game of hide n' seek! I find when I am living my life in the moment, I notice these details. I actually PLAY hide n' seek. No more, "In a minute, Honey" and then that minute become a half hour, etc. When you stare death in the face...it does sumpin' to ya......

Am I living my life in the present moment ALL of the time!? Well, of course not. Last I checked I am still very much a human "doing". I fall back into some of my ol' ruts from time to time. For instance, I had a full o' fear and worry kind of sleepless night last Thursday. First one in a long time. I watched the movie A Little Bit of Heaven, and boy, did it do a number on my psyche!!! To give you a brief summary...Kate Hudson plays a young, successful advertising VP that gets colon cancer...the untreatable kind. The movie shows what she, and her friends and family, go through emotionally as she approaches death. I cried harder than I did on my roughest chemo day...I mean, sobbing out loud to the point of snot bubbles coming out of my nose!! I think it was a much needed release of emotion, but it was filled with intense fear...fear of my cancer returning. I don't think about this much at all. If it crosses my mind I simply push it right back out. Over many years of therapy, I have learned to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For some reason, on this particular night, none of my regular practices worked. The thought of leaving my daughter here without her mommy was unbearable. I'm just starting to really get this whole living my life thing...so leaving this earthly existence isn't an option, you see...not now! I allowed the itty bitty shitty committee to take over my brain and they really ran away with it! I knew that I had to approach the fear with serious action! Lying in bed wrestling with my thoughts wasn't cutting it. I got on my knees and prayed and prayed, took a warm, candle-lit bath, thumbed through Marianne Williamson's Everyday Grace, had a lil snack...and prayed some more. Eventually, I dozed off and slept like a baby. Thank God those kind of nights don't happen but once in a blue moon. I am so grateful for the awareness and skills to get myself through those yucky times, if and when they rear their nasty lil heads.


I awoke the next morning and sensed a little nudge from God...a reminder that He is very present in my life, ALWAYS! Whether or not my day is going how I planned, whether or not I have had a disagreement with a loved one, whether or not my bones creak and muscles ache...life goes on. When I have faith in God's will, He gives me the strength to start my day over at anytime. When I heard that for the first time...I was like (valley girl style), "WHOA". The idea of starting your day over if it's not going well!!? What!? How did I live my life for 30 (ahem) years or so without that advice!? I relay those words to anyone I come in contact with who may be struggling. One of my students, my niece, a friend...whomever. It is so simple but it works!! I strive to "sop up" all that life has to offer...and learning how to let go of all the yuck makes a lot more room for yum.


Speaking of YUM...my daughter and I went to Six Flags yesterday!! What a memorable time! It was the first time in years that I have been, and it was her first time ever! I've no doubt God was with us because only He could have kept my aching body going from 11:00am until 6:30pm! All the rides I remember enjoying as a kid, I was able to introduce to her and experience them all anew! Talk about abundance and gratitude! THANK YOU GOD FOR KEEPING ME AROUND TO RIDE THE DAHLONEGA MINE TRAIN WITH MY SNOOKIE!! Ha! That old, jerky roller coaster hasn't changed one bit. We both left that one scratching our heads and rubbing our sore necks!

I am going to head on out and SOP UP whatever may be in store for me today! I am feeling the flow and I choose to ride the waves of life...however large and turbulent they may be. 

~peace, love and light........and sun shinin' through the trees....

my story...

so...here I am at 10:30pm with coffee and strawberry twizzlers...attempting to reach out, or rather, reach within to find a sense of balance and rhythm in my life AFTER breast cancer. My story is one of many...and with each post I write I send up a prayer for a woman just starting her journey. I have been an artist for years...drawing, painting, photography, but I recently realized that writing is a form of expression of which I am also passionate. For those reading my story for the first time, you may read my journals from the past eight months at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jenniferkesler/journal ...but, if you'd rather save time (as most people these days like to do), I will give you a brief synopsis of ME up to date. Here I am, a week ago...on the sofa in our new place.........

• I am a 38 year old, hazel-eyed, curly-haired (thanks to chemo), breast cancer survivin', photographin', movie watchin', art teachin', junk candy lovin', journal writin' divorcee, born and raised in the good ol' state of Georgia...(GOOOOOO DAWGS!!!!!!!)
• I am the mother of an angelically beautiful, incredibly smart and artistically adept six year old daughter (unbiased opinion, of course)...

• I am the daughter of an energetic and creative, rose growin', almost 70 year old mother; charismatic and strong-willed, tomato sandwich lovin' father who looks after me from above; a loving, banana pudding makin' step-mother whom I deeply cherish; and a step-father with a "bull in a china shop" personality, yet who sweetly makes certain to cover you up with a blanket if he thinks you are the least bit chilly...
• I am the sister of a passionate interior designer, 13 months older than I, mother of two boys, and with whom I have an irreplaceable bond; and a creative mandolin-pickin', film editing, down home, "alley cat" of an older brother, who looks after me as a big bro would...
• I am an aunt to three amazing girls, 3, 11 and 17 years old, all of which live only a couple of miles away; and to my sister's two boys, 3 and 5 years old, both with bright blonde locks and sky blue eyes...

 

(all the cousins...so precious)

I realize some of you might be thinking, "Uh...I thought she said she was going to tell us about HER". Well, my family IS what makes my life worth living. We have our ups and downs and we all have our idiosyncrasies...I mean, who doesn't!!? But these people lift me up when I am down, give me love when I feel unloveable and add richness to any drab and mundane day of the week :) Sure, they know how to push ALL of my buttons and we have our disagreements, but I love them all deeply, unconditionally AND for their differences. Don't even get me started on my friends!! It would take the next few posts to describe each of those who have touched my life in a way that keeps me young, strong and beyond blessed. As I continue writing this blog...you will get to know many of them and how they motivate and rejuvenate! All of these people encourage me to find balance in my life. So long as I remain open, willing and full of awareness and love...I WILL GROW! I WILL find increased balance!! I WILL flow with the rhythm God provides in my life, and in the lives of those around me. 


(Before I continue, I would like to apologize, in advance, for all the lists and ellipses in my writing. For all you grammar buffs...I am aware of my improper use of ellipses. If you reread my previous sentence, you will understand that "..." represents an intentional omission, such as, "I could give a rat's ass"! In many instances, they merely represent a moment of silence, or meditation. I figure "..." is more aesthetically pleasing that "ommmmmm" plugged into every few sentences. As for the lists, it is part of my self-diagnosed OCD. I LOVE to organize and creating lists helps me keep my things, and thoughts, in order. My "chemo brain" has proved irritating in that department, thus my list-making has increased three-fold. Also, you will see that I tend to jump around a bit. That is merely reflective of my personality. I tend to talk with my hands a lot, but since you cannot see me...at least you get a sense of my energy!)


Ok...back to my affirmations! "I WILL find balance"..."I WILL get my flow on"..."I WILL find love again"..."I WILL get my work into a gallery someday". Ya see...years ago, I would've begun those sentences with I MIGHT. Hell, when I heard the word balance, I assumed they were talking about the amount of money in my bank account (or lack thereof). I am not the same person I was then. Well, let me rephrase. I AM the same person, inside. The parts of me, good and bad, the combinations that make me unlike no one else are still very much present. I am still, and have always been, stubborn as hell and have a tendency towards being defensive (workin' on it...always). I still find Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts extremely hilarious. I am as non-judgmental as a human being can possibly be. I fight for the underdog. I loooooove watching movies...ALL movies...ALL genres (oh yeah, 'cept musicals...well, I like going to live musicals but not watching them on the big screen...yuck!). I love potato chip sandwiches! I have a fear of public speaking. Skittles, Starburst, Twizzlers...OH MY! Umm...let's see. I could go on and on. Overall, I am still the same Jenn...just a new and improved version. Older in years, yes, but wiser because of all the amazing as well as trying experiences I've endured since I turned 30. I will provide you with yet another list. It is truly the most concise way to sum up a decade. Since 2003ish, I have experienced the following: buying a house, losing control, giving birth to the greatest gift of my life, gaining weight, resignation, getting a divorce, filing bankruptcy, major depression, losing that house, rehabilitation, hopelessness and despair, rejuvenation, losing weight, getting a job, tons of therapy, losing my father, regaining faith, getting diagnosed with breast cancer, losing my grandmother three days after chemo starts, getting engaged...getting disengaged (in all senses of the word), did I say tons of therapy?, moving in, moving out, moving in again, and last...but certainly not least...SURVIVING CANCER!!! Whew...you get the gist, eh!? I choose not to focus on the past. I refuse to live in the past. I am not ashamed of my past...it was all important and necessary to bring me to where I am today. My ex-husband even said to me after my diagnosis that it's as though I had to go through the really rough time years ago to empower me to deal with my cancer. Tru Dat! What's the good ol' cliche?? Need I say it? 


The past seven months have been the most tear wipin', knee slappin', eye openin', grace-filled times of my life! I found a lump above the nipple of my left breast on September 19th...and, thank you GOD, I can sit here today on June 10th and say, "I AM A SURVIVOR!!!". Upon diagnosis, I was beyond terrified!! Once I knew what I was up against...TNBC, 100% Ki-67, stage 1 (or 2 according to the onco), lymph nodes clear, body clear, aggressive chemo followed by double mastectomy/latissimus flap reconstruction ...I got my freakin' game face ON, yo! There was such a sorrow in knowing that I would lose my breasts and the sensations that came with them. I was okay with losing my hair...it would grow back. I was angriest, however, about the fact that my body would have to be poisoned in order to survive...

(long exposure, double self portrait taken a few days after diagnosis)

On the flip side, the blessings flowed each day. It all depended on the day and how I chose to look at each situation. I was able to spend amazing quality time with many friends...most of which I hadn't seen in years. I savored every moment I had with my daughter...and family. It opened my eyes to see the true frailty and vulnerability in others. When you are sick, some people don't know how to act! Some people simply go away. Others embrace you and stay until your pain or misery gives way to a smile, a sob...or a giggle. My journey with breast cancer showed me emotions I never knew I encompassed...

(self portrait taken in December, around Christmas)

Oh...the icky, friggin' mouth sores. There's one right there! Those were the worst. I rarely got my camera out...maybe a total of 5 times. You know you're in the dumps when you leave your passion at home in the closet! The 18lbs I gained due to the massive amounts of steroids were the most unexpected, and unwelcome, of guests. The nausea, the vomiting, the headaches, and the sense of impossibility to get up off the couch seemed insurmountable. It was the most horrific, horrendous, disgusting five months...and yet, the most life-giving, sensual, beautiful and awe-inspiring time in my life. I AM stronger, more resilient, more patient, more loving, more real...damn it...I AM MORE KICK ASS THAN EVER BEFORE!! The credit for all of these positives, however, goes to the man upstairs!! GOD pulled me through on the days...like the one I was having two days before Christmas. GOD brought each person into my day, into each moment, when I needed them. GOD gave strength to my mother to care for me. GOD gave me strength to leave an unhealthy relationship amidst the most intense time of my life. GOD carried my sweet child through this difficult passage and gave her courage. GOD had my back, GOD has my back and WILL ALWAYS carry me through. 

That brings us to June 10th, 2012. Oops, make that June 11th...geez...I gotta go to bed!! My hope is that my words will touch you in some way. Perhaps I will lift YOU up when you are down...and give you hope in hard times. Mainly, I am writing for myself. My sister, a fellow blogger, says it can be a huge self-discovery...and I am excited to embark. I wish to keep the focus of this blog on finding balance, rhythm and flow in my life as I transition from cancer patient to CANCER SURVIVOR. That said...there will be massive amounts of fumbling to be had :) and as with any journey, it can change the course of direction at any given moment...

Thank you for reading... 

I wish for you all peace..love...light......and many twizzlers!